Rage against the dying of the light...

I used to not think or worry about the things I posted, but lately I worry if I'm too obvious, passive aggressive, ridiculous, or slightly pathetic. There was a time when the internet was really a place for me to vent to seemingly actual people without actually venting to actual people. It's different than writing it down in a journal because that is for my eyes only. This however, will be read by somebody, maybe the right somebody, without any further justification or explanation as to why I felt the need to share. It's not meant to judge but rather simply an attempt at expulsion of all the heaviness inside me. It's been weighing me down for the last couple of weeks and it's getting harder to carry on.

You know sometimes when you get that feeling when something's not right...I have it, can't shake it, and certainly have no use for it. Worse it's making me angry, I feel like I've been lied to. Further still I'm almost never wrong about these things, in fact it's fucking annoying sometimes. It's like I know and it can still blindside me. It also doesn't help that I approach things like a puzzle, my brain will literally try to work something out for hours and hours, arranging and rearranging scenarios like puzzle pieces, especially if I don't understand something I desperately want to understand. Also this kicks in on overdrive when I feel that something is wrong.

It doesn't help I have problems with trust and often feel like I'm being lied to, but again I'm hardly ever wrong. Do you know what it feels like to be so right about the bad things in people, to know it's going to happen but somehow can't see it coming at you? It's like being wise and blind, (That kind of works?) And yet I hold back, I don't lash out, because what if, on the off chance I am wrong, what if my own insecurities are getting the best of me? Or what if this inescapable, uncomfortable, icky, rotten, something is not quite the extreme I have fashioned it to be. The doubt is what I am troubled by. I have one set of words and feelings and actions that belie the reality that I'm currently staring at. And that illogical nonsensical frame of time still confuses me, only to be compounded with more of the same contradictory attitude. One minute it feels okay and then the next I am on unsure footing, like I stepped into the wrong room with everyone staring at me as if I'm an idiot for not reading the writing on the wall.

So, naturally like a true basket case I get mad at myself for feeling insecure about any of it. I can't control other people and their shit, I can't change the things they do or don't do. But it still hurts, I am still human, and I still can't help but feel I did something wrong, I can't help but think I'm not worthy on some level. This articulation always seems to come to the surface after I need it, maybe because I am constantly built up for defense, you know like preparing for crisis. One of the fucked up things about me. I've been building walls since I could build with legos. My current worry is that it will take months for this to dissipate, months I do not want to surrender. And I kick myself for not expressing this when I had the chance, because the moment's over; it would be wrong to pick at it, like opening up a wound to watch it bleed again. It just seems a shame; I take care where I step, I move slow, I move with surety. Is it wrong of me to expect the same in return? Am I too well guarded for anyone to notice when I need reassurance? Reassurance through actions, not words, because those same words were found wanting.

I guess I am not as strong as I'd like to think I am. I am unfortunately more lost now than I was before, which is saying something. And reading this I can't help but think myself egocentric and slightly over dramatic.

Today I am Godmother

Today at around 1:30pm I got the call from my best friend that the time had arrived, little Miss Hannah Marie Jackson was going to grace us with her presence today. I knew when I got the call I was leaving Atlanta no matter what I was doing. But I had not actually prepared for the leaving. I had no bag ready to pack, I had to scramble to find clean clothes to throw into a bag when I found one. I found myself circling unable to align my thoughts with what I should do first. I frantically started throwing clothes into my suitcase. I hastily got together my toiletries and anything else I would. And to my credit the only thing I have so far forgotten is just a toothbrush. Since I have managed to forget much more at a more leisurely pace I look at this as a plus.

I raced across state lines to arrive at Thomas hospital some 350+ miles away in about 5 hours (4 when you adjust for the time difference. I arrived at the perfect time, just 10 minutes before Hannah made her way into the world. My best friend handled labor like a champ. Starting her mommy duties as soon as Hannah was out. I've never seen a more determined look on anyone's face and that look alone shows what a great mom she's going to be. Likewise Hannah's dad held the purest look of joy on his face for his little girl.

And then I got to see her, in life, up close and personal, I got to hold her and I had never held anything so small and perfect. I was awed and scared and humbled all at once. All the things parents express when their child comes into the world made complete sense when I saw her. And in those few moments I was amazed by my best friend, by her husband, and their new little baby and I am so excited that I will be able to be apart of all their lives.

The Secret Circle Book Series cum TV series

Okay so, the secret circle book trilogy, which a lot of people mistake as a series, is pretty great, but could be SOO much more. Granted I haven't read the final book but I have a feeling it will be like the other two. And honestly it should have been just one book, It's been proven that that age demographic can handle 800 page books, :) But it also should be a series, so that the books could have more development. Yes the protagonist is all full of righteous angst but you don't get anyone else displaying it. They just seem like filler characters necessary for premise of the book. I think readers do a lot of between the lines searching because it's just not there and still the story, the premise has the potential to resonate like the twilight books did.

So what is the Secret Circle, well it's a story about witches and good and evil so if the supernatural is your thing you will be reading between the lines to make more of what the story lacks. The author, L.J. Smith, who is famously known for the Vampire Diaries does a really great job with concept and the premise of the story. And even creates these great dynamic characters, they just never really get a chance to be dynamic. Cassie the protagonist moves to a new town, learns she's a witch and a descendent from a very powerful witch family and finds her place with the Circle, not without some initial difficulty.

There's that ever so epic forbidden love between Cassie and Adam which speak of greater destiny but is never written in the books that way (unless it's in the third). But Adam is already taken by Diana, a beautiful inside and out, kind soul who is the ONLY one to befriend Cassie and Cassie loves her. And so not wanting to hurt Diana both Cassie and Adam(who realizes he loves Cassie too) spend their time denying their attractions in the books. And this is one area that REALLY needs more explanation, more exploration because you can't set up a tortuous forbidden love that avoids each other.

The other characters are what makes the story progress in ways you do and don't want it too. Because you want to be immersed in this world L.J. Smith has created BUT you also feel like you're just skimming the top. The most under appreciated character thus far in these two books is Nick, the cool, elusive, and sometimes frigid guy. But he is mysterious and there are hints that he is much deeper and a lot more than what he projects. But in 600 pages you don't get anymore than that. But you want to. You imagine it yourself, but not is a satisfying way.

I could continue on but the rest of the characters are barely remarkable. And at times it feels like L.J. Smith is crossing off whether she's given enough back story to a character or at least given them a couple lines as it were.

Yet the fact I am writing the exhaustingly long post about these books is because I really loved them for all that they aren't and that frustrates me. I got to peek into a great but incomplete world. Cassie is instantly likable so it's not like suffering Bella from Twilight. And now there is a series on the CW loosely based on the books which is good because it would make for bad tv if they stuck to the books. I'm just not sure if I can use the show as the substitute for what I was missing in the books.

I am holding out a small hope, but albeit and unrealistic one that the third book I've yet to read will magically flush out these characters, make me feel that forbidden love, make me understand Nick's aloofness, maybe see the complexities to Faye's wicked character. She's the antagonist btw. But since it's only around 300 pages I'm sure it will be much of the same.

Anyway I encourage any supernatural lovers to read the books. And just book lovers in general. At least so I can have someone to talk to about it. :)

Religion assumptions

So I saw this on my facebook wall tonight and really wanted to comment on it but was afraid to hurt someone's feeling or offend their beliefs but upon reading this:

‎"God actually delights in exalting our inability. He intentionally puts His people in situations where they come face to face with their need for Him...He divinely orchestrat[es] the events of His people so that in the end only He could get the glory for what would happen...He puts His people in positions where they are desperate for His power, and then He shows His provision in ways that display His greatness."

my first thought was that's a really shitty thing to do.

I'm guessing this is from the bible somewhere and I often have problems with that weighty tome.

But just imagine for a moment someone with a higher authority or a higher position than you did that. Like I dunno a dictator.

I picked that title because I've just had the belabored pleasure of writing about one for 15 exhaustive pages and as I read this quote I instantly thought of him.

I have no issue with God or the belief in God but this message just seems all wrong. It seems petulant and childish and stupid. When I'm facing tough times I'm not thinking God has created this for me to overcome, just like I don't think God caused 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina for the same reasons.

If this were how I saw my God then I would repeat:

that's a really shitty thing to do.

Just saying.

P.S. I totally just looked up where this came from and it seems to be some self righteous bible thumper. I admit I don't know anything about this guy and I'm thinking I'm glad I don't. But maybe I'm wrong. Anyone know more about this?

As it stands, I reiterate.

That's a really shitty thing to do and a really shitty message to spread!

Not happy that a general ticket in Alabama starts at 188 and some change. I feel like the cop that stopped me could have given me a warning since it was my birthday and all, there weren't any speed limit signs to tell me the speed limit, and the fact that all unincorporated areas have a max speed of 45 unless otherwise posted wouldn't be known to an outoftowner, let alone most people that live there. But a good citizen that is a student putting herself through college never gets a break. An honest citizen that doesn't use tears and lies to try to get out of something gets punished. A citizen that lives in another state is supporting Baldwin county revenue.

Money I don't have.

I am not a dangerous driver.

In general I drive with the flow of traffic. Not once have I been fortunate to get a warning. I always use my blinker, I don't pull rolling stops. I yield when I'm supposed to. I am a good driver. And now I am paranoid that a cop will stop me for no reason. I was followed down 75 for a mile and onto the exit ramp by a motor bike cop for no reason. I think I might have been going 3 over the speed limit which is extremely dangerous on any Atlanta interstate, but I was so scared I would be stopped for something that small. My record with cops makes me feel like I have no rights. I look suspicious because I feel like I'm being unfairly targeted. I am not made of money. I know no one wants to raise taxes but I don't appreciate having to pay them anyway and getting points on my license. My court date is on a day when I have a final group presentation for one of my classes. And I don't have the money for court costs on top of this ticket to even go. I feel like these cops know this. I live in a different state so it's five hours away. I know that cop knew that.

I hear all these stories from my friends on how they didn't get a ticket for way more egregious acts than mine. What am I not saying. I know I'm not perfect. But I'm tired of being held to that standard. If I speed it's really never excessive, never more than 10 miles an hour, and it's only ever in conditions that would allow for it.